Betrayal and Grief
Betrayal-loss-violation
Anger-white-hot
A human torch
Ashes everywhere
Nothing-but ashes
S.C.
Two years or so after my husband’s death I got involved in a very unhealthy relationship. Everyone around me could see this but me. My grief and loneliness had clouded my judgment. I was numb and yet desperately wanting to feel whole again.
I am Fine Inside
Today was very windy. In fact, the wind was so strong that I actually felt myself pushed from behind and sideways during my walk.
At first I was a bit annoyed. It was difficult to enjoy the walk with the cold wind stinging my face and that same wind throwing me off balance.
Grief is a Journey
Sometimes life seems to become a giant “to do” list. It’s just about getting done and checking things off the list. We forget about the journey and focus solely on the end result. Then we experience frustration or annoyance over any delays in reaching the projected end result.
The same thing can happen when we are grieving. Life can become about making it to the end of the day. Life can become about getting back home, pulling the blinds and curling up on the couch.
The goal of life can become hiding from life. There is no awareness of the process. There is no living in the moment. There is impatience and frustration and resignation.
Grief and Anniversaries
My wedding anniversary is June 3. The first couple of anniversaries after my husband’s death were extremely difficult. There seemed no helpful way to get through this day. I would even start feeling sad and uncomfortable several days prior.
During the fifth year, my old dog began having health problems. She was 13. She looked really good for her age, but I had to acknowledge that 13 was on the older end of the life spectrum for Black Labs.
Boxes of Cards
After my husband’s death I found several shoeboxes filled with greeting cards. I knew I had saved my cards from him, but I hadn’t realized he had saved all of the cards I had given to him.
I began reading the cards from our twenty-one years together. Tears of joy and remembrance and sadness dripped down my face. I was experiencing anew the unfolding of our relationship through the messages of these greeting cards.
A Different View
Today I took a walk with my dog. The parking area was crowded, so I decided to start my walk from a different location.
I was amazed at how different the walk became. It was basically the same walk in reverse. But the sun sparkled in a different way on the sea. The flowers seemed to glow with more brilliance. Even the houses on the other side of the street were somehow more architecturally interesting.
Read more
A Lesson from the Butterfly
I want to share a quote from Maya Angelou:
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,
but rarely admit the changes it has gone
through to achieve that beauty.”
For me, this quote speaks volumes about the process of grief. Emerging from the cocoon is not an easy task. The caterpillar, in essence, dissolves within the cocoon. As the butterfly grows toward maturity, it realizes that it will die if it does not take action to leave the protection of the cocoon.
The Lighthouse
I often take an afternoon walk about four miles down the coastline from a functioning lighthouse. This particular afternoon the sky was blue and bright and the ocean sparkled.
As I gazed toward the sea my eyes fixed upon the light atop the tiny lighthouse. But just as my focus fixed on the beam of light, it was gone from my sight. gain it would claim my attention. And again it was gone from sight.
Grief and Menopause
Soon after my husband’s death, I felt myself descending deeper and deeper into a dark, lethargic place. My body felt sluggish. My mind felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. I ate little, but seemed to be gaining weight.
I decided to visit my naturopathic doctor. She reminded me that I was beginning my transition through menopause. Somehow I had forgotten that my body was moving into this new phase of life. Read more
