SELECTIVE MEMORY
The mind likes to push us from black to white, from either to or, from positive to negative.
When we remember events or people, we tend to sort the memories into categories. We see life as either good or bad. We say this is a good memory and that is a bad memory.
The mind seems to be trying to simplify things for us, but what really is happening is a fragmentation of memory and of life.
Some people or events in our memory become part of the list of positive memories. Some get added to the list of negative memories.
Years later we may reflect back on our lives as a series of either good memories or bad memories.
In my experience this compartmentalization often leads to distortions of reality. And these distortions can keep us stuck in the past. And further, these distortions of reality keep us stuck in the role of the victim.
The victim mind is seeking control. The victim mind is attempting to hold time captive. But what is really happening is that we hold ourselves captive.
As this captive state persists, life can become suspended between the world of now and the world of the past.
To move beyond grief requires a paradigm shift. To move beyond grief requires a fresh look at the memory process. To move beyond grief requires a holistic view of memory.
There can be no resolution when the relationships of our lives are wrapped in selective feelings and memories. The mind grasps for structure and completeness, but really is grasping for control.
Control is not possible. There needs to be a shift from seeking control to seeking resolution. Seeking resolution requires honesty and diligence.
A MESS IN THE KITCHEN
This morning I was in the kitchen preparing my breakfast. I got out a bowl of cereal. I opened the box and began pouring the raisin bran into the bowl. The box was nearly empty and rather than pouring out, it plopped out. Cereal fell just about everywhere except into the bowl. It was a mess.
As I was cleaning it up I noticed how many raisins I could see. There were almost as many raisins as flakes. Way down in the bottom of the box is where I found the good stuff.
I think this is the case in many of life’s challenges and inconveniences. At first, all we see is the mess or the problem or the unresolved feelings.
Keep looking. You may find an unexpected insight or gift from the Universe.
HOW DO YOU ESCAPE FROM PAIN?
Grieving intensifies the emotions we are feeling. Grieving often happens in addition to other stress in our lives. Pressure builds inside. When we feel ourselves getting close to that pressure point we often seek to escape.
So how do you attempt to escape from pain and exhaustion? Perhaps you pour yourself a glass of wine or have a beer. You may relieve stress by jogging or other strenuous exercise. Or you may zone out in front of the TV or computer.
There is nothing wrong with these activities. It is more about your intention. If you are engaging in activities as temporary escape from painful emotions or inner conflict then you probably need to step back and honestly acknowledge what is really going on.
Grief often clouds our lives and our judgment. This is normal and natural after a loss. But what I am talking about here is a persistent cloudiness which persists as a result of relying on escape habits rather than honestly acknowledging the uncomfortable feelings.
FEAR OF FORGETTING
After my husband’s death I spent a great deal of time focused on remembering. At first the focus was confined to the day he died. My mind would check to see if all the details were included in my memories.
As relatives gathered, the memory loop expanded. The remembrance became denser as others shared their particular memories.
Then we each shared the stories he had shared with us. The richness of my husband’s life became increasingly expansive.
As the days and weeks passed, I noticed my obsessive need to remember details persisted. The details of his life became extremely important to me. When the present moment would intrude into my reverie, I would actively return to memory mode.
If I couldn’t remember all the details I would become distressed. The past seemed overwhelmingly more important than the present moment.
Reflecting back now, I realize I was afraid I would forget the details of our life together. The logical mind does not like change. Change involves letting go of control. What would happen if control was relinquished?
Letting go is expansive. Holding on is contracting. Letting go is energizing. Contracting is energy draining.
As I became more and more exhausted I finally had to let go of my grasp on the past. As I let go, two things happened. First, I noticed a surge of energy and vitality. Second, I noticed a more expansive experience of memory.
Memory flowed through my life. Memory became expansive. Allowing became more important than focused recall.
I realized that letting go of my mind’s need for control really led to richer memories of the heart.
MY 30TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
June 3 has come and gone for 2008. It’s just another day, but for me it would have been my 30th wedding anniversary.
The prior week I noticed that memories of my husband and memories of our life together on the farm were surfacing quite frequently.
I have been extremely busy recently and it took me a couple days to realize what was going on. Yes, I was remembering. And yes, my anniversary was coming up.
It has always been interesting to me how memories can be so vivid. It’s as if you truly are transported in time.
Several years ago I became aware of how I can allow myself to fully experience the memory and also be fully present in the moment.
The memories which had preciously immersed me in the past for days or even weeks, actually now became a part of the overall rich tapestry which was June 3, 2008.
The memories surfaced in specific moments in time. I noticed them. I cherished them. I was grateful for them. And then I allowed myself to flow into the next moment.
Grief and memory had become part of the circle of life that for me becomes richer and more complete as I simply allow my thoughts and feelings to be, without resistance or attempting to somehow hold them tightly.
The memories flow, as do other thoughts and feelings. June 3, 2008 was a rich and full day, in part because of my memories from that day thirty years ago.
I had a choice to let the memories flow or to grasp them tightly. I chose to let them flow. They are part of me but they do not consume my life.
I believe grief and memories can truly enrich our lives. The hardest part is accepting what is, right now.
WORKING HARD FOR MONEY
I grew up on a small farm. We never talked about money, but I knew we didn’t have a lot of money. I did learn that the only way to have any money at all was to work hard for it.
I grew up believing that if I kept working hard, somehow I would reach perfection. I believed that if I worked hard I would somehow earn the right to have money.
After my husband died I started a business, believing that if I worked hard enough I would be OK financially.
ALL I REALLY ACCOMPLISHED WAS WORKING TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTION.
I was frustrated and discouraged. Working hard did not bring perfection and it did not bring me lots of money.
It took awhile, but I finally realized that I needed to change my thinking and I needed to work smarter, not harder.
What is your relationship to money? Do you believe money comes only to the perfect or to those who work hard? HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT MONEY?
GRIEF AND FINANCES
Do you know your net worth? The first time I was asked this question I had no idea what it meant. Even though I paid the bills for our farming business, I really did not pay attention to the bigger picture. I had money to pay the bills. That was the important thing. Right?
When my husband died there were many discussions with advisors about my finances. I was told my net worth. There were financial planning discussions, but no one explained to me what net worth really meant. I assumed that I should already know what this meant.
I didn’t ask. I wasn’t told. Net worth was a mystery that I chose to ignore. I was still able to pay my bills. That was the important thing. Right?
I consider myself fairly intelligent. I have even run my own small business. I had money. I was able to pay the bills. That’s the important thing. Right?
I paid the bills and worried constantly about my financial situation. I wanted to know more, but was afraid of what I would actually discover.
Through financial education and coaching I have learned that my early conditioning around money and finances was blurring reality.
My family didn’t talk about finances when I was growing up. I believe that translated for me that this was a taboo topic. And I began to believe that I really didn’t deserve to know about money or to have money.
So tell me about your experiences around money. What were you told or not told as a child?
Did your family teach you about basic finances? Do you feel somewhat lost in the world of your finances?
It happens a lot for women. And often the first awareness comes after the death of a spouse or divorce.
Education is the key. Education brings knowledge and knowledge brings confidence.
YOU DESERVE TO FEEL CONFIDENT ABOUT YOUR FINANCES.
